Waiting

Today was Jackson's scheduled MRI. However, the day didn't quite go as planned. I received a phone call first thing this morning to learn that the insurance has denied the test and I have spent my entire day making and receiving phone calls. Believe me when I say that Derek and I are both irritated beyond belief, however, there's no need to complain here. Despite the circumstances, I got to spend an unexpected day at home with the kids and it was a good day. 

I wrote a blog last night to post today, but then in the craziness of the day and change of plans, it almost seemed out of place. But I want to go ahead and share. 

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Jackson goes in for his MRI today. I don't have any news yet, but I wanted to document some of my thoughts from this week. It's not often that scheduling an MRI takes a full week's wait, but because of Jackson's issue of vomiting, along with the vomiting that can occur with sedation, we needed to schedule an anaesthesiologist to be available throughout the entire testing process. It took extra time, but I can't deny the divine intervention. {edit: clearly this was just step 1 in our waiting process. But even so, we can still trust in God's plan}

I have gone full circle time and time again regarding how I “know” the testing will turn out. When Jackson went a day and a half without getting sick, I began to even wonder if we needed to continue with the MRI. And then the day he vomited 4 times, I became certain that the worst news was just waiting to present itself to us today. Being in Texas occupied my mind and helped me not to dwell too much on what is yet to come.

While floating in time of waiting, I haven't had any news to officially “accept” and to process. But in just waiting, I feel that I don't have to just accept what has come our way, but to welcome it.... and that has been so hard. So, so hard. It seems to me that it'd be a million times easier to simply be told whatever the news may be and then to just accept it for what it is. At that point, it's already been done so you can't ask God to undo it. But now, I feel as if God is asking me to tell him that I trust in him SO much as to welcome even the worst possibility if that is what He has in store for Jackson's life. Welcome discomfort. Welcome pain. Welcome the very thought of losing Jackson at a far too young age. And that hurts. It hurts so much. I suppose this is what God has called all of us to do as parents, even before potential heartache is on the horizon.

I am reminded of a phrase that was first introduced to me by a young couple while I was in high school. At bedtime, they'd always say “I love you, but remember, Jesus loves you more!” Time and time again, I have translated that in my mind as if God was saying to me, “As much as you love your son, Amy, I love him more.” I want God to love him more than me, and I want God to orchestrate His will for Jackson's life-- but the human mommy in me just wants to put a stipulation on that to say “but only keep him healthy, happy, and safe!”

Even though my legs might be shaky at times, I'm still standing on the promises of God. I've been through the scriptures time and time again. Some are ones that I've looked up myself, but others are ones that have been shared by some of you. I will share a few with you:

Psalm 55:22 Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken. 

Psalm 68:19 Blessed be the Lord, who daily bears our burden, The God who is our salvation. 

Philippians 4: 4-7 Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Truly and honestly, I am coping much better than I ever thought possible. I have experienced this peace that passes understanding for a majority of these days since visiting the doctor last week. More so than any verse I have repeated to myself is this one,

Matthew 6:34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

I have found myself capable of catching myself in “what if” thought patterns and then simply switching my thoughts to something different. This has never been a strong suit of mine and I am certain that this is evidence of the prayers that have been offered on our behalf.

I have allowed myself to focus on one “what if” throughout this week. There are a potential million different types of diagnoses (or even a total non-diagnosis completely), and I began to wonder if my role as a mom changes depending on the outcome. It started with a train of thought that started “Will I make Jackson do something he doesn't want to do? Will I still make him eat veggies? Will I refrain from disciplining him?” … and I stopped myself not long after because I stumbled across an answer that supplied the answer to them all.

I know this is a devastatingly long post, but stay with me for one more moment. This is the best of what I have to say about this whole ordeal. I really began to question what my role as a mother to my children. And one day it hit me like a ton of bricks and I just couldn't keep it to myself:

My job as a mother is to provide my children with love and support, nurturing them into productive and respectful adults, primarily teaching them to know and love Jesus.

My role as a mother is not dependent on circumstance. The answer to all of the above questions (and most other parenting questions) is the same regardless of whatever hurdles and obstacles we will face in raising our children. Will I still make Jackson eat veggies even in a worse case diagnosis? Absolutely. His body is a temple and he needs to respect it. Will I make Jackson do something he doesn't want to do? Yes, because he's a child and as his mother I get to decide what is best for him. Will I refrain from discipling him? Not at all. To know and love Jesus is to follow and obey his commands-- even at age 4. I have seen many mothers across a plethora of different situations fulfill this duty and I hope to be among the ranks. 

Regardless of whatever we hear today, I will love and support, nurture and teach this little guy.

And my little Belle as well, along with any other children we may or may not have in the future. It makes my heat so happy to be given such an important role and I pray so much that I am as good of a mother as they deserve.

In closing, my biggest prayer for Jackson is that we can find an answer. I don't particularly wish for it to be found on the MRI, but I know if that comes up empty that we'll just end up with more testing, more prodding and poking. My biggest worry is that we'll be on a lengthy journey in which we won't ever have an answer, but I already know what scripture says about worrying so my plan is just to take it one step at a time. I covet prayers for our perseverance and strength.

Jackson and I will arrive at Children's Mercy at 11am today (after exploring through the skyscrapers on the way) and he will undergo anesthesia between that time and when his MRI begins at noon. Derek will arrive around that time. If you're reading this before that time, pray for his tummy to not ache from not eating as we wait throughout the morning. If you're reading and praying through the time of his testing, please pray for the anesthesia to be gentle on his body, for the doctors to be diligent in their work, and for Derek and I as we wait. If you find yourself reading after that time, continued prayers for our family are always appreciated, but also I urge you to reflect the role that you play in your family and to pray about how God can use you!

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So as for now, we wait. And honestly, aside from the headache I have had all day in dealing with all of this... I do have a genuine peace in knowing God has his hand in all of this. We've received so much support from friends and family, near and far. At times it's felt like too much, like more than we actually need and it is humbling to accept. Like, it's not that big of a deal-- we can manage, right? But truthfully, the out pour love and support is keeping us at ease. The messages, the texts, the meals... it is all keeping us together. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. As always, I'll be sure to keep you updated!!