Twelve Days... and counting

My Christmas celebration starts in 12 days when my much desired Christmas present arrives at the airport at 10:14am. Having Derek home is loooong overdue and I am soooo excited.

But I am quite overwhelmed. It's different from when we went to visit him in Georgia. It's not just a trip about getting to see each other for a few days. He is coming home.

A home that isn't quite the same. Furniture has been moved. A 16-year-old moved in. Jackson has grown. And routines have changed. It's not that he won't expect change, but it's the fear that he won't like it. That his much needed vacation will be somewhat stressful or a disappointment to what he has looked forward to for so long. I'm no stranger to the psychological issues that our soldiers deal with and coming home isn't an easy process. Just as our life isn't exactly how he left it, he is different now too. It's almost like an experiment, a waiting game, just to determine the reaction of the two worlds colliding.

Not that it's ever intentional. Not that anyone is to blame.

Can I ever truly understand the process he went through to become a soldier? Can I even begin to relate to the expectations and strenuous schedule that he is lives in? Can he dive right back into a chaotic life of a young family after being surrounded entirely by "grown-ups" for six months? Can Jackson understand how Daddy can simply show up one day? Even just the little things... he's used to getting up at 4am everyday. And he eats a huge breakfast now (I mean, wouldn't you if you had just ran seven miles?).

Wow, aren't I depressing!? It's not that I'm not excited. Just thinking about watching him walk down the terminal in just a few days can bring me to tears at any given moment. I'm just nervous! This may sound very silly. But have you seen the divorce statistics after active duty assignments!? I do not fear that fate for us, but it it does shine a light on the fact that it's hard. And maybe these aren't even issues for this little trip coming home, but for when he comes home for good in March.

Either way, I can't seem to shake this off today. I had to jump start my car this morning and my neighbor called out to ask if everything was okay. I assured him I had it all under control and was using every bit of my effort just to hold myself together so I didn't break down in front of him and say, "no, actually it's not!"

I know that we will have a wonderful Christmas. And even though I know everything will be fine, it doesn't stop the apprehension. It's ridiculous to focus my energy on all of these things in which I have no control over. Instead, I will do my best to focus on the list of actual things can be done.

I will start by cleaning up his side of the bed/room.

His side of the bed has become an extension of my closet and convenient location for clean laundry. He hates the extra pillows on the bed, so they especially can't reside only on his side. I may have cluttered his closet while looking for the duffel bag and those boxes are full of stuff that doesn't even belong to him.

I also need to make sure his t-shirts/sweatshirts/sweatpants get put back in his drawers so I can pretend that I don't wear them almost everyday.