For this child, I have prayed

Several years ago, I attended the Focus on the Family Institute {which has since been renamed Focus Leadership} out in Colorado Springs, CO. It was an amazing summer and one of the best parts was getting assigned to live with one of the sweetest {happiest, bubbliest} people I have ever met.

At Family Dinner- Kate's in green, I'm in blue 

{back when I wore glasses and had blonde highlights}

Seriously, you cannot be around Kate without a smile. She even makes me grin when her status updates show up in my newsfeed on Facebook. Kate has been blessed with an amazing talent of writing. I always love reading what's going on in her mind and it's always so insightful. Even little pieces that reflect on Prince Charmings and Facebook etiquette {please read this... it's great!}-- can really get your mind turning and give you spiritual insight.

Unfortunately, Kate has dealt with unfortunate loss in the past couple of years. First, her father was killed in an automobile accident just mere weeks after her wedding. Kate was so open and transparent about the grief in her life, yet at the same time, she was able to reflect and give God the Glory at the same time. Read this piece and share it with anyone who's suffering loss. I promise you won't regret it.

And just this very week, Kate suffered a miscarriage. Even though I've never had to endure that crisis, I have watched as several friends- near and far, "in real life" and bloggy friends alike, suffer through that emotional turmoil. This was Kate's facebook status just yesterday:

It's funny...we say this verse "I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him," when we get pregnant and it makes our hearts happy and thankful. But the end of that verse is this..."So now I give him to the LORD. For his whole life he will be given over to the LORD." Hannah didn't get to keep her baby very long either. (1 Samuel 1:27-28)

I reread this status over and over again. And I realized that I, too, needed to hear this! I wish I would've known these words as I dealt with my postpartum depression after having Jackson. In fact, I could have used it after first finding out we were pregnant with him. I sobbed for a week unable to accept that things might actually be okay: I was certain something catastrophic was going to happen. I just knew! And then after he was born, I struggled just to let myself love him so much because I was devastated at the thought that I might actually lose him someday.

I was terrified my entire pregnancy with Belle of going into the same darkness after giving birth and even though I was medicated it still hit-- just not nearly as deep or hard. I didn't sleep a wink the first night she was home because I knew the minute I wasn't watching, something could happen to her.

Two things kept me grounded: Philippians 4 along with this little phrase I learned from a mentor in high school. She would tuck her kids in each night and say, "I love you. But Jesus loves you more." And at every moment that I would begin to worry, I reminded myself that God feels the same way about my little babies a million times more than I do. And he feels that way for each and every one of us too.

People sometimes say that the reason Christians believe in God is so that they have something to get through the hard times; to make life easier. But, I have to say-- sometimes it's harder. Because I have to trust His plan over mine. Even when it doesn't make sense and even {especially} when it hurts. Because it ultimately comes down to being God's "fault" and that isn't easy to deal with. But that's when I have to pray for God to give me that peace that passes understanding.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: Kate, you're strength and insight during difficult times NEVER ceases to amaze. You, my dear, are amazing. How you do it-- I don't even know. God's given you an amazing gift. I am so blessed to have you in my life.

Kate is having her procedure tomorrow. Please pray for her. Let us all pray for all of the families who've suffered through miscarriage. Pray that we can see God's hand and provisions even in the toughest times.