Wife hat, Mom hat.: Back to School

I went to my first class of the semester tonight. Remember just a few months ago when I wrote a super heartfelt post about totally embracing being “just a mom”!? Well, at some point in the mere weeks after that post, I was overcome by the finishing-grad-school itch. This January marks the fourth year of classes… obviously not full time. But classes here and there. A break after each kid was born, a summer off when we bought and remodeled our home.

Also in attendance was my faithful purple backpack that was purchased for my freshman year at undergrad. Oh my goodness, she’ll turn 10 years old this year! That totally just dawned on me! I love this backpack. It has spongy straps that make carrying books less annoying plus, it’s decorated with a keychain a friend got for me in high school.

I am 27 hours into the 60 hours required to graduate with my Master’s in Counseling Psychology. It’s this giant task at which I haven’t finished, and until I finish, I feel like I’m a failure. I just want to get it over with. {That sounds as if I don’t enjoy school, and I mean, I don’t love all the work, but I do actually enjoy it. I just don’t like it hanging over my head: You still have XX hours left. You still have to apply for candidacy. You still need to find an internship.}

So, I enrolled in classes. Three of them. We took a round-about process that will better suit our family schedule and our finances, which is awesome. But regardless, that is still nine hours of grad school in one semester. The most I’ve done was six and that was a very hard time! But I can do this {or so my husband keeps telling me!}.

We’ve gotten pretty organized in the process of planning for the semester. Failing to plan is planning to fail, right? I will be staying with my parents on Monday evenings and Mom will have the kids when I’m at class all day on Tuesdays {classes eight hours in one day!? Not sure I can survive this}. They live much closer to my Tuesday school. I have another class on Wednesday evenings. It’s a hybrid class, so we only meet for an hour and a half, but that also means I have to find additional hours of time in the week to watch the lectures and take notes.

Which, is why we have decided to employ a super sweet gal to come watch the kids one or two afternoons a week. This allows a dedicated time for school work and so I’m not trying to squeeze it all in after bedtime. We’ve been meal planning according to schedule and I have several frozen meals in place. Meals picked out for when I’m in class on Tuesdays and for when I’m gone in the afternoons doing school work. I still have my mornings open for MOPS, play dates, library time, and housework. Our babysitting agreement also includes one night a month to plan for a date night. I swear, if it’s not scheduled, it’s just not happening!

Good grief. I’m stressed out just writing that all down. Actually, I was stressed before that. I had my first class tonight and it was the first time it dawned on me that this is going to be a lot of hard work. Starting a little stressed has snowballed into all out ridiculousness.

I’m stressed about:

school work/tests/papers in general
diagnosing mental disorders—it’s is my least favorite thing to do in grad school and I have a whole class attributed to just that. Ugh.
being the very first presenter in my diagnosis class!? Stupid last initial. Not that my maiden one was any better.
am I even smart enough for this!?

I feel guilty about:

not having a job to earn money
costing money to pay for school
costing more money for childcare
not being there to provide the childcare for my kids
not having super lavish birthday parties for my kids like I see on some blogs because we spend money for me to go to school instead of renting out Gymboree, hiring a decorator, and having Dora show up.

Okay seriously, those are all things floating in my head. And honestly, I am super worried about gaining a bazillion pounds. I eat when I’m stressed {a habit I am diligently trying to change}! We have been working hard at adopting a healthier lifestyle-think trips to the gym, healthier foods—and it’s really hard to commit to change in the midst of chaos.

I feel a little ridiculous getting that all out, but I needed to have it in writing. At this point, I have to trust the Lord to guide me through it all. I need to know where I started so when I come out alive on the other end, I can look back and see how the Lord brought us through.

And because I refuse to let my overwhelming thoughts get the best of me, so I made sure to make a list of blessings to give me perspective!

Blessings