Let's Be Honest

Today I went to my MOPS Bible Study group. Of course they ooh-ed and ahh-ed all over Belle. I mean, look at this face... how could you not?

The compliments also kept coming in about how I even have energy to come to a meeting already, that I managed to get two kids out the door and to church, that I am doing so well handling the new baby without my husband around. I, of course, accepted each compliment with a smile and a thank-you. I mean, it was really encouraging!

But really, I wanted to say... Oh, if you only knew the mess I've been!!

I had an awful panic attack the night we came home from the hospital. I had several nights that I had to take a benedryl just to fall asleep and I could hardly eat. I cried practically non-stop the day Derek left and continued to cry every single day that week, including an episode of sobbing while cuddled on my Mom's lap. Each day continues to be a battle in keeping my head up and each day it gets a little bit easier and easier.

I have found myself self-treating myself as if I were a patient using techniques from my classes and I do have some meds that I know are contributing to my mental health. However, I am fully convinced that my strength has come from the Lord. I know that there are so many people praying for me. I have received comments, facebook messages, emails, and text messages that have really lifted me up. I have found myself in almost constant prayer throughout the day-- sometimes practically begging the Lord to hold me up from falling into the dark places. I have read Philippians 4 about bazillion times:

The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

I chuckled to myself as the speaker at our MOPS meeting today spoke about this scripture. She talked about the times that we should have every reason to be anxious about a situation, but yet we find ourselves at peace- that is having a peace that passes understanding. I wanted to stand up and say, "that's what I have!" I have a peace that passes all human understanding. I know that God is in control of our situation. He has proven to me over and over that he will provide and take care of us. I really am okay!

I am enjoying Belle and this stage of mommyhood much more than I had the chance to enjoy Jackson as I dealt with some postpartum anxiety for several weeks. I have my glass-is-half-full perspective back and I am truthfully happy and doing well.

So, for all of those people who have been praying for me-- please know that your prayers are being answered. I am being well taken care of by friends and family as I anxiously await Derek's return. God is definitely good.